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Smart Stepfamilies

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John in Canada (submitted 9/27/10)


Good day to all who may read this,

        I am 41 years old I have 3 wonderfully amazing children 15 years going on 30
beautiful daughter, 13 going on 12 my happy go lucky son, and my baby M who is 12
years old with the most wittiest attitude I’ve seen on a young person and one soon
to be step-son is a cheerful young age of 6 yrs old and full of spirit and wanting
to learn new things everyday. My better half a caring beautiful woman of 29 years
old and the NEW LOVE OF MY LIFE. My soulmate the one who puts a smile on face
before sleeping and as I awake.
        A little about me first was married about 16 years ago and lost my wife 4 years ago
to a 5 year battle with Brain Cancer. I met her when she was only 15 we fell in
love and 6 years later we married 2 years later we began are beautiful home with
our family had the most amazing life one would ask for always honest to each other
always respectful of one another and loved each other dearly. She passed in my
hands in our home on a room I basically turned into a hospital for her ease and
being able to live out her days in peace not in a hospital with no faces to
recognize, I did this for a purpose at the time perhaps I did not realize the
aftermath perhaps I should of could of did things differently but, I decided
instantly when I first learned of the news I would do whatever in my will to help
her I focused mostly on her then the kids. After 5 years of allot of pain on
everybody my young beautiful wife’s battled ended and she ascended into the next
life. I realized she would die from the beginning and I guess I kinda prepared
myself mentally along the way their were allot of ups and downs sometimes good news
sometimes the worst news again 5 years of this was more than anyone could handle
watching a loved one struggle the way she did. I could only wish one thing that it
was me in that bed and not her for the sake of my children a MOTHER A GOOD MOTHER
is 100% irreplaceable 100% and for the kids and their age at the time it was the
        So, I took a year of basic solitude with my children spending all my time with them
at first and slowly very slowly taking time for myself to let them know that
although this awful thing happened as normal people we must have acceptance and
move on.
        At this point in my life I was only starting to go out into the real world as it
were and from the moment we laid eyes on eachother we both new it was to good to
let go we met and my world was turned inside out I know for me it was watching her
from afar I told myself if I could ever have a good woman again I would want
someone like her. After 4 months of getting to know one another talking for hours
on end on the phone telling each other our life stories and laughing and crying
together I found a different type of happiness one I was not accustomed to before
and one I would later find that I admired and respected    as I  did once before.
That for sure I thought was out of my reach someone you could actually trust again
someone u could put your life into their palms and know that it was all worth while
in the end. So, after about 5 months I slowly started introducing the children to
her as a good friend who would come and visit from time slowly at first it was fine
with them. Then, the day of the talk I would start telling them I was going to go
out on a date with her they would ask why I would explain very lightly not to push
or excite them to much. So, still the youngest two were fine with it my eldest
daughter was not she believed I was still married to my past wife and would not
leave the idea of me not being married anymore. Through counselling and patience we
got over the hump of why I was not married any longer and that it was time for me
to move on. Well, she had a slue of reasons as to why I shouldn’t date this woman,
everything from her actions to her age their was not one good thing she could say
about this girl. My youngest daughter before this point actually told her she loved
her that was a moment I will never forget but, the love she has for her sister and
how kids can work together she has changed her tune. My son on the other hand has
always been the same he takes everything at face value and is much like me. So,
inbetween 3 years of this I am at the biggest crossroad in dealing with my one
child on this and just living everyday life I asked that she move in to the house
due to how much time we were ALL spending together in my mind it made sense so I
did it the first month was a little hard the next was actually really cool.
Everything at one point was flowing really well at home. My eldest daughter I our
thoughts started having a break through this was not meant to last however,
something must of triggered her and she started acting out much worse than before I
think a reality started kicking in that this would be the new way we were going to
live and she is resenting that she does not want it she wants me not with anybody
at all until they are much older. I am so consumed by, all this it has taken most
my life over I am or was one of the best at what I do in my field for work that is
changing daily due this issue, I find spending the time alone with my common law
spouse is almost impossible due to the constant policing in the family that is
required. As I am typing this I am in a office in China for business trying to
complete a difficult task and can not. This was the chance for them to be left
alone for 8 days it was kind of well I guess a test that wasn’t planned it only
worked for two days my girls left for my mom’s until I got back and my son stayed
one more day and he left as well. They have not contacted each other since. This
was so disappointing to me to know that if I wasn’t home how fast everything could
fall apart. I am so scared and happy at the same time. I am at crossroads with
myself do I give up a love that I thought I would never find again my best friend,
BEST FRIEND, a person I long for every moment of every day a passionate person at
everything she does so my kids have only me, I think will I be happy and be able to
raise them properly with the right thought process because I know how sad I will
be. Do, I go on and move forward with her knowing my daughters anguish it is so
hard I explained once to them that for them I have a nurturing love, a love no one
person could ever take away that they are my life and I would never leave them ever
and my love for them would never change and with my girlfriend  I explained it is a
different kind of love something shared by adults and when two people intimately
love each other. My eldest daughter finally broke down one day and said she missed
the way life for our family was when her mom was around as she started crying in
her room one night it took all I had not to sit and breakdown along side of her I
think hearing talk like hurt me more than anything. So, I started thinking from
that day on could I be a good father without the woman I am wanting for the rest of
my days could I support and not be mad or upset at my children for leaving a woman
I loved for their happiness I guess I can’t seem to find the line where it stops I
don’t know even if she can put up with this any longer. This is one of my fears as
well she tells me how much I mean to her but, when I hear her tell me of how she is
feeling with the kids I think to myself at times she would be better off with
someone not in the situation I am in with 3 kids and only one of her own. May be
with someone with no kids or one part time or something like that and could love
her not in the I do but, someone who could none the less would she be happier? For
the first time in my life and if you have read everything here my life has been
pretty much overturned and for the first time I am scared honestly scared. I really
really love this person this being and I do believe in finding a true love I am a
believer that love comes once or twice only in our lives on this earth I do believe
that we settle as human beings and I really don’t want to settle I need to feel her
breath on me as she sleeps I need those moments where there is no where on this God
given earth you want to be when she is lying on my chest at night and we are
enjoying eachothers company after putting all the kids to bed. A feeling some
people wish for and long for and I have it right infront of me so what is the cost
to pay? I ask my self this over and over again. How can, I change this how can I
move forward with her knowing my children aren’t ready how long do I wait. Do I
wait? Do I need to leave this beautiful woman and remain alone because I would
never want to go through this again nor would I with anyone else. She is worth it
to ME! Am I a bad father for wanting this for myself I  guess I am looking for
somekind of direction a different way of looking at the situation maybe there is
something out their I haven’t tried maybe someone can give somesort of outlook. I
don’t know I do know as I sit here I miss my childrens voice and laughter, I miss
my girlfriends face and smile, warm hug and kisses what is one to do for complete

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