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Smart Stepfamilies

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Rachel, from USA (submitted March 17, 2010)

Name: Rachel
State or Country: USA

Oh where do I begin? My husband and I met when I was very young.

I was 16 and he 23. He was in a partial relationship with a female who was
pregnant and was incarcerated for doing drugs. He and I did not start dating
until I was 17. When his daughter was born I would buy her something every
paycheck. As time went on he and her split up. She was so angry and so was I.
I wanted us to have children together not having to deal with a baby mama.
What could I do, it was a done deal.
After a year and a half we decided to move in together. I was 18 and had my
own house. My new daughter was a little confused. So was I. I did everything
I could for her. Although when she went to visit her mom she would come back
with hate towards me. The mom would constantly find ways to upset me and him
to cause fights. Which I gave into everytime. I hated her coming to my house
and did not want her calling my phone. She got back on drugs. I knew it; I
could feel it. My husband did not believe me; he felt he knew her better.
She ended up losing her apartment and my husband and I moved her out. I was
so upset cause she had a new boyfriend and the two of them just layed on the
bed while me and my husband cleared the apartment.
She ended up moving into my now sister in laws house. Things got worse...
She was using meth so bad in the basement they finally had to kick her out.
There she went on the streets, only seeing her daughter on Tuesdays and
Wednesdays. My husband worked to provide for us and the baby was in my
constant care.
As time went on I became deeply attached to my hita.
I would be so upset that whenever her mom snapped her fingers wanting to see
the baby after a week or so there my husband would go. This caused lots of
fights. I became pregnant and things got worse. At the end of my pregnancy
he decided to break up with me. I was devastated. I would hug my stomach and
cry myself to sleep as he hugged "his" own daughter and sleep. I wanted so
much for us to have a happy family and felt it would never happen.
After the new baby was born he moved out to his sisters house. I hardly saw
"his" daughter for a year. I knew her mom was getting worse at the drug use
and this bothered me so much. I knew she would leave her daughter with only
God knows who and be gone for days. Their daughter would get hit by these
people cause she was crying for her mom.
Finally my husband decided to move out of state with the mom and their
daughter to get her off drugs.
Talk about a knife going through my chest! They stayed out there for 2
months. In that time I decided it was best for me to move on. That's when he
realized who she really was. She got into more trouble out there. Going to
jail and not going home, always out. He began calling me and we started as
friends again.
Finally he was over saving her. He and "his" daughter came home with me.
The mother was so upset she began using again. She ended up living in
churches and could only do this if she had her daughter. My husband agreed.
This was so difficult for me to stay back and watch. The mom got kicked out
of them and the baby girl came with us once again.
At this time the little girl was 4. I began teaching her as best as I could.
Only to find out her mom was telling her she was the one teaching her the
ABC's etc.
I became pregnant again. This time me and the little girl became really
Her mother met some guy and moved in with him. At first my hita was not
allowed over there. Then she was to sleep on the couch only. The mom had to
sleep in the room with her new boyfriend with the door closed. My hita would
come home all upset and afraid. I hated sending her over there but had no
choice. My husband worked alot so I would have to walk with the two girls
and my prego belly to go "exchange" our daughter.
Soon her mom got pregnant too. Her daughter became very close to her. I felt
like we were doing all the work to raise her and her mom got all the glory.
Soon her new boyfriend was showing his true colors and became very
aggressive. Especially with me! We would argue constantly, they would call at
all hours of the day to fight about anything. At the time our daughter was
living with us 5 days out of the week and 2 with her mom.
The mom and he got into trouble with social Services and they called my
husband for a meeting.
They got off of drugs and were able to keep the children in their custody.
After a few years of her going back and forth weekly (one with us, the next
with them) Things got so stressful with both of us sending messages and
opinions back and forth.
Now we get another social service visit. Someone from their side of the
world saw how he treats her and called on him. We are now afraid and
stressed about this.
I want her to live with us but I am afraid she and they will blame us for
this situation and make things sour between me and the little girl. We love
each other deeply; she even calls me mom. Knowing I am not her biological
We have tried on several occasions to talk our problems out with no success.
For some reason neither one of us can forgive and forget.
I often wonder why our lives have to be this way. Then realize it's not in
my hands. The Lord has a plan for us all and we just have to go with the
flow. I just pray that OUR daughter will be okay. I know the best thing is
for me to be her friend and to make a happy home for her I just need help
letting go of these fears I have.

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