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Linda, from Arizona (submitted January 28, 2010)

 

Name: Linda

Home state or country: Arizona


Well, my blended family journey started four years ago.  At the

time I had a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a 10 month old son from my first

marriage.  I married Steve and we had two more children in the last four

years.  So we have four now and what we thought would be happily ever after

turned out to be quite the roller coaster.  The older two now have

visitation with their biological Dad and this has put such a strain on the

relationship between them and my Husband.  They had come to call him Dad and still do but they seem so angry all the time.  It's hard as the Mom to make sure and not favor anyone but it feels so less stressful when we just have our two little ones, we don't have to deal with any uncomfortable feelings.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way.  My Husband and I have known each

other for 13 years and were friends before we married but we expected this

to flow just fine because we thought our love was solid enough to withstand

all this stress.  We have found recently that is not what is happening, we

are drifting away from each other and fighting all the time.  I am depressed

and angry and mostly worried.  I started going to a womens bible study about

4 months ago and have learned so much but am having a difficult time

applying it.  I'm scared of what may happen to my family if we don't get

some help.  I don't want any of the children to hate being home and I love

my Husband and long for the closeness we use to share.  We are still

fighting this battle and are determined to come together in the end. Please

any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

 

 
Comments ( 1 )
 
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#1: by LoriMM on 02.27.2010 @ 06:12am CST

Linda, there's no delicate way to say this, but I what strikes me immediately is that your two older children are calling Steve "Dad". He's Steve. He's not "Dad". How emotionally confusing that must be to your children -- actually all four of them, but especially the older two.
I'm a step-mom of 11+ years and have had quite a run for my money. My heart goes out to you. I went to a Bible study, too, while still in the trenches, and as helpful as it was on some levels, it wasn't the one-on-one that I needed. I have since spent time with a wonderful Christian counselor and see things much differently.
In my opinion, it's OKAY that your husband's relationship with the older kids is different than his relationship with his own biological children. That is just the way it is. And it's okay. I have two step-children and two of my own. There is NO comparison, and YES, my step-kids have lived with us.
No step-family is exactly the same, but one common thread that runs through all step-families is extra stress and strain and, in most cases, constant comparison. So sorry for your pain. There is nothing like it. I just hope you can find a way to lessen the pressure you put on yourself and your husband. It is, after all, one thing you DO have control over.

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