Well, my blended
family journey started four years ago. At the
time I had a 2 1/2
year old daughter and a 10 month old son from my first
married Steve and we had two more children in the last four
years. So we
have four now and what we thought would be happily ever after
turned out to be
quite the roller coaster. The older two now have
visitation with their
biological Dad and this has put such a strain on the
them and my Husband. They had come to call him Dad and still do but they
seem so angry all the time. It's hard as the Mom to make sure and not
favor anyone but it feels so less stressful when we just have our two little
ones, we don't have to deal with any uncomfortable feelings.
I feel so guilty for
feeling this way. My Husband and I have known each
other for 13 years
and were friends before we married but we expected this
to flow just fine
because we thought our love was solid enough to withstand
all this stress. We
have found recently that is not what is happening, we
are drifting away
from each other and fighting all the time. I am depressed
and angry and mostly
worried. I started going to a womens bible study about
4 months ago and have
learned so much but am having a difficult time
applying it. I'm
scared of what may happen to my family if we don't get
some help. I
don't want any of the children to hate being home and I love
my Husband and long
for the closeness we use to share. We are still
fighting this battle
and are determined to come together in the end. Please
Linda, there's no delicate way to say this, but I what strikes me immediately is that your two older children are calling Steve "Dad". He's Steve. He's not "Dad". How emotionally confusing that must be to your children -- actually all four of them, but especially the older two.
I'm a step-mom of 11+ years and have had quite a run for my money. My heart goes out to you. I went to a Bible study, too, while still in the trenches, and as helpful as it was on some levels, it wasn't the one-on-one that I needed. I have since spent time with a wonderful Christian counselor and see things much differently.
In my opinion, it's OKAY that your husband's relationship with the older kids is different than his relationship with his own biological children. That is just the way it is. And it's okay. I have two step-children and two of my own. There is NO comparison, and YES, my step-kids have lived with us.
No step-family is exactly the same, but one common thread that runs through all step-families is extra stress and strain and, in most cases, constant comparison. So sorry for your pain. There is nothing like it. I just hope you can find a way to lessen the pressure you put on yourself and your husband. It is, after all, one thing you DO have control over.
Add your Comment*
*Comments are moderated so your comment may not appear immediately.
"Before we attended the Building a Successful Stepfamily conference Jared and I had an idea of the best way to "blend" him into our family. We came to the seminar with a time table of how quickly our family should become a family. Your seminar has taken the pressure, stress, and anxiety off of us. There are no words to express the gratitude my fiancé and I have for you and your ministry...Thank you for everything!"
Melissa & Jared (Georgia)
Smart Stepfamilies in cooperation with FamilyLife Blended FamilyLife 5800 Ranch Drive Little Rock, AR 72223 P: 1-800-358-6329