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bigmammT, USA (submitted Nov '09)


Name: bigmammT

Home: USA

My husband and I grew up in the heartland. I was the girl next door and he was my brothers friend. We dated only a few times, but it wasn't romantic at the time, he was too much my a buddy.

Almost 20 years later we met again. Back in the heartland that he had never left. He had been farming and raising his family here for 15 years. I had just ended a marraige with a man who was controling and abusive. Though my heart said no man shall ever enter here again, there was a trusted friend who also was going through a painful situation. "Lucille" left him with 4 hungry children and a crop in the field..not just a song anymore not here.

We spent time with our familys together on odd weekends when the children were home. We would go to church and take an outing. Trying to go places with no emotional ties from their past, but rather new places and adventures so that they could create new memories. We were all hurting. The kids got along well and seemed to really support one another when it came to their other bio parent.

After a few years, we decided we'd rather raise our children together with support as man and wife rather than alone at the hads of two not so stable x's. We married.

Our parents embraced our marraige with encouragement and joy. Everyone was so supportive of the blending of our familys. 3 generations of friends and family in our little township patted us on the back for what we were doing for our children. Life was good.

With everyone except the x's. Once we married they both began the disneyland affair with the kids. Loyaltys shifted with the children. Accusations, jelousy, defiance were witnessed almost daily in our home. Phone calls from my step-childrens' mother would send them up the walls. Crying, complaining, even making up stories of desperation when I was standing right there. That is when I first felt invisible in my new life.

I had found a family therapist that would come to our home. She spent time bonding with us all and the younger kids especially loved her visits. By now my step daughter KT really wanted to live with her mom. We couldn't help her find peace with her little life. She was beginning to alienate friends and push herself away from those who loved her. She talked about plans of running away.

The therapist was so helpful and seemed to ease KT's pain. She helped her sort out the truths in her life. Her mother had started telling the children that their dad was mean to her and had abused her. Since that had been my past life, I really had to sit back and look at our situation. No where could I see evidence of this with my husband. He was gentle, kind, understanding, hard-working, etc. what more could a woman want? The kids began to build resentment. Once we conquered that- then the next issue became my meanness (is that a word).

When they went to mom's house they would be encouraged to tell stories that portrayed me as a demon in their lives. KT was reported as telling on her brothers if she saw them hug me,smile at me, or to have minded me in anyway. They would be chewed out. This is so crazy I still can't wrap my mind around it. They told my children about this. They laughed about it, sharing these stories in time brought my oldest son against me as well. Wanting his older step brothers complete approval, he turned.

This sagga continues..........


Comments ( 1 )
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#1: by Ann on 07.09.2010 @ 11:29pm CDT

I am going through a very similiar situation. In my case, I have 8 step children. At first I thought my relationship with them was good, but they did not get along with my oldest son, which created some friction. It soon became apparent that their mother was jealous- she did not want her kids to like me. She made them feel like it was a betrayal. She told them lies about their father and me, and even allowed them to secretly listen into a phone conversation between her and their father in which they were discussing a delicate situation involving one of the daughters. The daughter in question was hurt by what her dad said (though it was truthful) and next time we saw her she went into hysterics and cried all the time. Her mother did this to make her dad look bad, to pit them against each other, but she probably hurt her daughter the most. Their mother made comments to them like, if I wasn't around, their parents could get back together. Of course, they wanted this and came to resent my existance. They began"tattling" on me to their dad, trying to pit us against eachother. They complained about what books I read, what shows I watched, how I parented my children. I could not do anything right. AFter a few years of being the outsider, they began to accept my oldest son so long as he participated in their bash sessions about me. My son grew to disrespect me and think less of me. It has destroyed my relationship with him. Two of my step daughters also repeatedly told my youngest children(then 5 & 6 years) that I am a mean mom and don't really love them. Because they have been unrepentant and refused to stop this behavior, they have been banned from coming over here, and it has been war ever since. My step kids got some of my husband's other relatives involved to the point where my husband and I cannot even attend family functions together. This has caused a lot of damage to our marriage as well, mostly because I am very bitter towards my husband. He allowed my step children to be disrespectful to me (there were never any consequences), and usually did not defend me. After 7 years of marriage our family and marriage are falling apart. We have tried family counseling with my stepchildren, but they refused to attend the sessions. They would not even go to one. They are completely unreceptive to trying to work on these issues, and their mother is encouraging them to be uncooperative, and yet they tell the relatives I am the problem and I am unwilling to work on the issues. The children make their dad feel guilty about it,they try to make him choose between me or them. They claim he abandoned them (that's what they tell their friends and neighbors)and have said it to him also, even though he has made attempts to maintain relationships with them outside of our home, but they are unwilling to do that. They are all in their teens and twenties now. Blended family life is much harder than I expected. I hope one day I can write about a happy ending, but right now I do not have one.

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