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Autumn, from Texas (submitted May '09)


Name: Autumn

Home: Texas

I am a christian woman who has never been married but met my boyfriend/fiance at church. We have been dating for a year and a half. He is a father to a sixteen year old son, who is a wonderful young man. I have not yet met him because my fiance says that he doesn't want to push his son. I am not able to stand next to my fiance when we run into his son somewhere because it might hurt him. I love this man very much and am very patient but how do I make my fiance aware that this is important to me and it hurts me that I am not getting to be a part of his son's life? I don't want to be his mother, he has one but I want to be his friend and already love him and care for him. Any help would be appreciated.

Most dating couples engage the children too quickly. You have the opposite problem. You are already engaged and you haven't spent any time with his son? If this is true, then you have no idea what you are about to marry. Marriage is a package deal, remember? How can both of you be committed to one another when you only know part of the other's life? It's like promising to marry without knowing about someone's childhood, or their previous marriage, or the amount of financial debt they have.

I'm curious why both of you have allowed your relationship to progress this far without bridging this matter before, but whatever the reason, you definitely should now. Begin by saying something like, "Honey, I think it's time that I get to know your son. We can't continue moving toward marriage without including this aspect of your life. I've noticed how careful you have been with him to this point. Tell me what concerns or fears you have about him and our relationship?" After hearing his concerns you will know better when and how to begin interacting with his son. Then, take it a step at a time.

Don't put this off and don't make any final decisions about marriage until you have a much stronger relationship with his son and you know why your fiance is protecting his son.  RLD


Comments ( 2 )
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#2: by Ron Deal on 06.11.2009 @ 08:43am CDT


A good principle of relationships is this: if you want to have influence in someone's life, you better be moving toward them. It's a shame that your children won't meet your wife, but you must "move toward them" if you ever want them to move toward her. Yes, compartmentalize if you must in order to keep your relationship, and influence with them alive. In the meantime, keep praying that they will mature and stop this stubborn opposition.
#1: by John on 06.11.2009 @ 07:23am CDT

I have the opposite problem. I tried pushing my kids right away and they refused. I've been married now for almost 2years now and my kids have never met my wife and refuse to. I see it as control and so I have not seen them now for 6 months. They won't even answer my calls or email. Do I just hold out or agree to see them without my wife. But for how long?

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