An Open Letter to Co-Parents

Ron L. Deal

An Open Letter to Co-Parents

This letter is about your children and the invaluable role you will play in bringing healing to their lives. You see, since the moment you and your ex-spouse informed them of your impending divorce, your children have been in a transitional crisis. How well they recover from that crisis has a lot to do with each parents continued involvement in their life and the level of cooperation between homes. Whether you are the custodial parent or the noncustodial parent, you play a vital role in the emotional adjustment of your children. Consider the following empirical data:

Children successfully adjust to the ending of their parents’ marriage and can fare reasonably well if (1) the parents are able to bring their marital relationship to an end without excessive conflict; (2) children are not put into the middle of whatever conflicts exist; and (3) there is a commitment from parents to cooperate on issues of the children’s material, physical, educational, and emotional welfare.

It is this last point that I am emphasizing here. Please understand that I am not necessarily asking you to reconcile with your former spouse. However, it is very important that you and your ex-spouse separate the dissolution of your marriage from the parental responsibilities that remain. In other words, while your marriage has ended, your role as co-parents has not.

I do realize, however, that many ex-spouses have great difficulty cooperating about anything, let alone the nurture and discipline of their children. But that does not absolve you of the responsibility to try—perhaps even harder than you did on your marriage. After all, your children deserve your best effort.

If necessary, perhaps a trained family therapist can help you and your ex-spouse negotiate your co-parental arrangement. Whatever the case, please, for their sake, assume the responsibility of being involved in the lives of your children.

Please understand, this letter is not about casting blame, nor is it intended to add to your level of guilt. It is simply an earnest plea that you offer your children the most valuable resource you have—yourself.

Sincerely,
Ron L. Deal, M.MFT.
Author, The Smart Stepfamily
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Guidelines for Co-Parents (from The Smart Stepfamily, 3rd edition, by Ron Deal)

The following guidelines empower co-parenting and are backed by research. Consider how you might make each a reality in your situation. Remember that you are responsible for your contribution. Work on your part of the interaction even if you believe your former spouse is to blame for most of the negative exchanges that have occurred in the past.

1. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. Agree that each parent has a right to privacy, and do not intrude in his or her life. Make space for different parenting styles and rules, as there are many healthy ways to raise children. Do not demean the other’s living circumstances, activities, dates, or decisions, and give up the need to control your ex’s parenting style. If you have concerns, speak directly to the other parent (see Borrow a Script and Stick to It, later in this chapter).

2. Schedule a regular (weekly to monthly) “business” meeting to discuss co-parenting matters. You can address schedules, academic reports, behavioral training, and spiritual development. Do not discuss your personal life (or your ex’s). If the conversation turns away from the children, simply redirect back to parenting or politely end the meeting. If you cannot talk with your ex face-to-face due to conflict, use email, text, or websites designed to foster cordial interaction.

Learn about T.E.A.M.M. Co-Parent Meetings   Watch Ron’s FamilyLife Blended podcast, episodes 32 and 165 with Jay & Tammy Daughtry at youtube.com/familylifeblended.

3. Do what you can to avoid overt conflict, especially in front of the children. For example, it’s unwise to try and discuss parenting matters during visitation drop off/pick up, even if the topic seems benign because you never know what might erupt; save those conversations for your parenting business meetings. Redefine your relationship as “business partners” to help you not take things personally. Never ask your children to be spies or tattletales on the other home. This places them in a loyalty bind that brings great emotional distress. In fact, smile when they enjoy the people in their new home. (“I’m glad you enjoy fishing with your stepdad.”) If children offer information about life in the other home, listen and try to stay neutral in your judgment.

4. Be informed about best parenting practices when it comes to smartphone use, screens, and the use of A.I. in your home and strive to have similar expectations in both homes. A gap in this area of your co-parenting can result in children having too much unsupervised access to social media, pornography, and digital experiences that bring about significant negative emotional and psychological consequences.

5. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them to explore their feelings without trying to sway their opinions with your own. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones.

6. Children should have everything they need in each home. Don’t make them bring basic necessities back and forth. Special items, like clothes, phones, and computers can move back and forth as needed.

7. Try to release your hostility toward the other parent so that the children can’t take advantage of your hard feelings. Manipulation is much easier when bitterness keeps you vulnerable.

8. Do not disappoint your children with broken promises or by being unreliable. Do what you say you will do, keep your visitation schedule as agreed, and stay active in their lives. Your presence is your greatest influence and power.

9. Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement. A workable attitude makes all the difference. Update the other party when changes need to be made to the visitation schedule. Also, inform the other parent of any change in job, living arrangements, or other situations that may require adjustment by the children.

10. If you plan to hire a baby-sitter for more than four hours while the children are in your home, give the other parent first right to that time (assuming they are available).

11. Suggest that younger children take a favorite toy or game as a transitional object. This can help them make the transition and to feel more comfortable in the other home.

12. Regarding children who visit for short periods of time or spend time in another home:

--  Sometimes it is tempting to only do “special activities” when all of the children are with you for fear that some children may feel that they aren’t as special as others. Do special things with differing combinations of children (it’s all right if a child occasionally feels disappointed they weren’t able to go).

--  When other children come for visitation, let the lives of those living with you remain unaltered as much as possible.

--  Keep treasured toys and possessions in a private place, where they are not to be touched or borrowed unless the owner gives permission (even while they are in the other home).

13. Help children adjust when going to the other home:

--  If the children will go on vacation while in the other home, find out what’s on the agenda. You can help your kids pack special items and needed clothing.

--  Provide the other home with information regarding your child’s changes. A switch in preferences (regarding music, clothes, hairstyles, foods, etc.) or physical/cognitive/emotional developments can be significant. Let the other home know what is different before the child arrives.

--  When receiving children, give them time to unpack, relax, and settle in. Try not to overwhelm them at first with plans, rules, or even special treatment. Let them work their way in at their own pace.

14. If you and your ex cannot resolve a problem or change in custody or visitation, agree to problem solving through mediation rather than litigation. Court battles tend to degrade co-parent cooperation.