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Smart Stepfamilies

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Sandra, from Virginia (submitted February 3, 2010)


Name: Sandra

Home State or Country: Virginia


Between 1993 and 1995, both my first and my husband's first

marriages were ending, we were being left due to "never loved, wrong reason,

etc.," that was probably the hardest and easiest reasons to bear.  No,

affairs, no 'invading' in-laws, no money issues but, eventually we

discovered worst, they had been in an affair with 'each-other'.  This was

how my husband and I met, connected through the hardbreak, and similar

views, so it would seem, on the marital relationship, which grieving and

passion run 'amok.'

1. the 'blended nature of the house, children, stepchildren, parents and

stepparents, all resided in the same home.

2. the children, his were 2 1/2 to 6 and mine 4 to 8.

3. there was never any time to gather any 'intel' on the external enemies.

Since 1995, we have been to court 15 times, countersuit for adultery,

assault, adultery, visitation, grandparents visitation, battery of

my ex-husband, more contempt, more visitation, and finally, child-support.

The enemy was hard at work, distracting us from our 'priority' relationship

and gradually working on the infrastructure of the children.  

4. the children, now 18-25, have their own issues to bear but the marital

relationship is truly a 'paper' copy only.  

5. this list does include the overwhelming medical problems that my family

faced in these past 6 years, the death of both of my parents, my

husband's medical conditions, which are now stable Thank God, required three

very difficult hospitalizations.


There was a period of three years where a family lived here.  I mean joyful

memories, traditions that were established, the very essence of what my

husband and I had expected when marriage blessed with children.  I made

sure to keep scrap books because, through the very rough and rugged road of

contempt led to healing that my children and the stepparents would be able

to reflect on that family.


As I read through your book, found some sections very helpful regarding our

situation, they helped me see my own areas of failure and how I have failed my husband and children.  Making decisions that were not mine to make, trying

too hard to keep the off and on, bad or good relations of my stepson's

mother 'respected. But, the years of battling have left very deep scars, and

a family divided by biological boundaries.  All the guilt and grief that

would have been in the beginning are the tools that are tearing the marital

relationship apart.


Forunately, for me God knew this, the depression of unemployment led me to

seek school to gain employment & kept me finding an 'escape' route from the

pain.  We are in the process of attending counseling through church.

Although, I am ashamed that I allowed my husband's short sighting to elicit

a volcanic eruption, it just overshadowed the primary issue.  And he has had

to re-evaluate a lot of past ten years to come to terms to his contribution to

the marital condition.  


My purpose was to ask if there is a workbook to rebuild, with a godly

perspective that could not be misunderstood, a marriage that was the

product of divorcing children?

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